I could probably have a subset of "everyday sexism A, B, C", so we'll just start here and label as necessary.
Today's installment again references boobs, which I admit, are not *technically* only a female thing, but tend to lean that way, especially when lactation is involved. Here's the story.
I was at a really fantastic spiritual retreat led by *my* student Krista D, on the topic of spiritual practices. I had hung out all day, and neglected to take the time out to express milk. Things were pretty far gone, and I was engorged and a little crabby about it (that is completely my own fault). Evening approached, and things became uncomfortable. But in a retreat house FULL of people, where should I go? So after getting my supplies together, I addressed the group. It's useful to say that out of 29 people, only 4 were men; in the immediate vicinity were about a dozen women and my one male colleague.
Me: "Hey everyone, is there someplace private I could go so I could take care of my business?" And I made a circle gesture around my chest. Admittedly, this wasn't very clear. I could have been referring to a pacemaker for all they knew.
Several students: "Huh?"
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry, I need to be clearer. I need to find a room with a plug because I need to pump my breasts of the milk my child will eat." Hey, you have to say it to make it happen. It was clear.
Male colleague/fellow minister: "Ugh, TMI."
<mind racing. Oh dear friend, no, you did not.>
Me: <Looking directly at the young women> "Oh no. T M NECESSARY."
Male colleague: "Oh, I..." I know what was happening here for him. He's got four kids. He has a successful, empowered minister wife who has SURELY schooled him lovingly. He was trying to be "cool" for the college students. It just came out. But this is everyday sexism.
Female volunteer: "You can use our bathroom."
Me: "Thank you, but I'd rather not make food my child will eat in the bathroom." Because you don't cook where you poop, do you? No. Why does it seem reasonable to suggest that a woman hide in the bathroom to make baby-food? Probably because that's where she goes to hide the rest of her feminine experience.
Female volunteer: "Oh, I..." I know what was likely happening here too. She is a smart woman, an aspiring minister, a known feminist, committed to challenging the institutions of oppression where ever she finds them. Her face suggested she did not realize what she'd said until she said it.
Different female college student: "You can use our bedroom."
Me: "Thank you. You know ladies, one of these days, the most radical thing you will do is be yourself." We go to her room.
FCS: "She needs to use our room to pump."
Roommate: "ok, sure. We're women; we got a lot of stuff to deal with. Want to use the bed?"
Me: "No thanks. I'll just use the chair by the plug in the wall."
Roommate: "Have fun."
Why is this an example of everyday sexism? Well the first note is the snarky "TMI" comment. It was NOT too much information, it was in fact the amount of information actually needed to get the accommodation I was requesting. It was also information that might make someone uncomfortable if they didn't want to acknowledge my reality as an embodied mother--and it wasn't 'everyday' sexism because it involved a breastfeeding mom. It was "everyday" because of the easy way of dismissing that reality as important. Too much information? No. Surprising information? Sure. Slightly awkward? Yes, even that. Too much? No.
But it is "everyday" as the natural purview of a male (or this man) to receive information about a woman and judge it publicly as appropriate or not; to feel comfortable saying it aloud without forethought.
Here's the thing: he's a REALLY nice guy. I like him a lot. And he didn't mean harm...he really didn't. And yet that's what came out of his mouth without thought--a statement to demean and undercut the request AS IF it was out of line, when it wasn't. It was precisely and simply what I needed as a woman to fulfill my own expectations, only (and here's the everyday sexism part) it made him uncomfortable. So he commented negatively on it, without repercussion.
As if it was his natural right to do so, to define MY reality as a woman-- and THAT is the male privilege he has been given his whole life. That "he" may decide when "she" is too much.
Second issue of everyday sexism: the bathroom is not the catch-all space for containing women's issues...but we've been taught that it is. I can see why: a toilet and sink for cleaning and disposing of feminine hygiene products, which is what we tend to think of as the typical "women's issues". She needs space and time to "deal" with the facts of her womanhood, and the bathroom is usually where she does it.
But what is it about making food that would seem to belong in the same space as a toilet, sink or shower? The only item that would fit with the concept of breast pumping might be the sink, for washing pump parts afterwards; otherwise literally every other surface in a bathroom is a potential food contaminant. Why on earth would you send me there?
Unless what you are thinking about is not the food I am making, but the breasts I am touching. If boobs=sexy ladies (and not food), then you might equate it to the same space as other feminine hygiene issues, even though they are not located in the same body zone nor dealing with similar bodily fluids. Bluntly put, it is not seeing the milk for the boobs; not seeing the whole body for the erogenous zones.
So that happened. It sorta does #everyday.
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